You knew as soon as we said Nicholas Sparks that this was going to be on the list. This infamous tearjerker that catapulted man/god Ryan Gosling into the spotlight (and our hearts) will literally end in tears. Don’t make your date have to duck out for fresh tissues, or makeup wipes for the panda eyes you’re now sporting. Try something a little less emotionally devastating.
There are two things your date will take away from this film. One: nobody will ever live up to the impossible-to-match Leo DiCaprio standards; two: the knowledge that there was easily room for two on that door will leave you steaming for hours. If you want to leave the date on a high note, don’t watch a film about an iceberg and 84 years of loneliness.
There are different levels of scared and the first two can be justified as date films. The first tier is where your date cuddles up to your side and covers their eyes when things jump out. The second tier involves the moment the credits begin to roll and you exchange wide-eyed looks, sharing the camaraderie that comes with surviving something awful together.
Then there’s the final tier: the ‘I won’t sleep tonight or ever again, and if you touch me I will scream bloody murder’ level. This one is best avoided on date nights – or any night, in our scaredy-cat opinion.
Yes, you may be a passionate loyalist to Team Edward; yes, you may have the collector’s edition books and the director’s cut DVDs. You may also be able to hold a lengthy, somewhat philosophical debate about the extended Volturi family (we swear we had to Google that...). Unfortunately, the angst-ridden Edward-Bella-Jacob love triangle doesn’t exactly sizzle everyone’s sauce, so you may want to hold off on showing your couch-partner that prized R-Patz tattoo until at least date three.
Oh, my love. The title should be pretty self-explanatory as to why you should avoid this tear-jerker. What’s harder to explain to your deeply concerned date is why you’re inconsolably sobbing over Patrick Swayze’s hazy body. No, you don’t have a bizarre ghost fetish; it’s just that you’d take Patrick Swayze’s body in any form – even when he’s covered in clay. Still, best keep your pottery wheel in the cupboard for now.
Nazi Germany, concentration camps and murdered children. We think that’s all that needs to be said.
We have a few alternative names for this flick, but our favourites include, ‘The one with the bunny-boiler,’ and ‘Hey cuties, here’s what will happen if you don’t call me’.
A Clockwork Orange
This one is a classic but is best appreciated in the right context, not on date night. The film has a narrative featuring the beating of a homeless man, an attempted rape, another beating and then a rape. Leave this one at home if you’re after a spot of hand-holding (or any other type of affection).
Mr & Mrs Smith
A strange choice, considering this isn’t actually a bad film. It’s got action, excitement, romance, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, it’s also got Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Sitting through two hours of their ridiculously high levels of on-screen chemistry is guaranteed to bum the mood as you’re forced to examine your own inadequacies. If you don’t want to end the night with a sigh and a formal handshake, don’t watch genetically-blessed people run around shirtless.
Ryan Gosling strikes again with the impossible love story, but this one ends in a different kind of tragedy. If you don’t want to give your man a glimpse into the painful destruction of a happy marriage, then hit pause on this one.
A bleak town north of Adelaide with a serial killer who is seriously lacking in empathy. And there’s absolute blood bath of a torture scene. The worst bit is that it’s a true story. One couple reported watching this on a date early on, and it resulted in the foetal position, instead of a karma sutra position. Awkward.